John 4:13, 14

Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” (John 4:13, 14 NIV)

I'm pretty sure I would have just stood gapping at Jesus had he said this to me....or I'd have given him a polite but dismissive glance, muttered to myself about the crazy guy by the well and walked off.  And then probably entertained the ladies at the evening well draw with my story about an interaction with the nutcase by the well at noon...only later would I start to figure out I missed something once again in my haste.  Of course the woman at the well didn't have a group of women she told anecdotes too in  order to entertain...but I still marvel.  She came to the well empty...and was filled with life everlasting.  Do I know when to stop and listen?  One of my biggest buzz words is being "competent"....it sounds so mundane....but to be able to do things well drives me.  weird I know.  But...I think it boils down to the fact that I dread the idea of being found lacking...wanting...or maybe even thirsty.  The fact is...apart from Jesus -- I am incapable of being the person he made me to be...I can't do it on my own.  And that is really hard for me...and in a strange way it makes me angry.  At least I think that's what maybe is at the core of the anger I've been wrestling with....and part of that makes me very miserly in extending grace and love to others around me.  And that absolutely rocks me.  Because I know I'm not any good at hiding these feelings...so I am communicating this coldness. How dreadful...and frankly...how shameful.  I am parched inside...I need Jesus to fill me...and flow out from me.  That is the truth...and in someways...it's what I would call a Sunday school truth...it's the "church" answer.  It doesn't make it any less true...but we (or more to the point -- I) can dismiss the real work or the real change required by the truth of something we glibbly say.  And I think that's where this finds me...thirsty....

Lord,  It is your work, your grace, your love, your mercy that makes us yours.  Not by my actions or in actions...and you love me...as ugly as I feel... you love me even now.  Help me unclench...help me heal.  Amen.

Verses from John

I am the bread of life...I am the good shepherd....I am the way, the truth and the life....I am the vine...I am the light of the world.....

These clear statements...they must have rocked the disciples....Can you imagine hearing them for the first time...straight from Jesus's mouth?  Not only does he reveal his nature...he revealed what it would be like without him ....darkness, hunger, thirst, want, loneliness, loss and death...that is what he changed for us.  He rewrote our story.  Thank you Jesus.  Help me to seek you first, to turn to your voice and follow your path dearest Lord.  Amen.

Mark 1:35; Luke 5:16

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. (Mark 1:35 NIV)

But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. (Luke 5:16 NIV)

Jesus shows us an example of discipline and how to find our guidance from God.  He got up early and focused on communing with God through prayer.  My prayer life doesn't mirror this example.  I look on this year as "the year where Kristi learns to be more disciplined"  It seems to be coming through as a message in so many different areas of my life.  Honestly -- and I blame this on being raised as a youngest child -- I really resent discipline...in fact if you want to cite me to rebellion....lay down the rules.  And it's usually really dumb rebellion...dumb as in it does me no good.  Lack of discipline in eating and exercise has got me to an unhealthy place...and lack of discipline in my walk with God will also get me to an unhealthy place.  I know I need to start rising early.....but oh is it going to require discipline.

Lord help me as I strive to be more disciplined.  Tame my rebellion.  Help me find the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other so that I may enjoy the fruits of the discipline of knowing you better.  Amen.

Philippians 3:14

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:14 NIV)

I press on.  Life and things we want to achieve aren't easy.  Somedays it is just work...but it is for the prize we continue to press on.  I didn't want to exercise Friday.  I didn't want to exercise Saturday.  I certainly didn't want to eat right....but the prize of feeling healthy, being flexible, having the energy to do  the things I want to do are important...and I can't just "have" that.  I have to work for it...by being disciplined.  And oh does my youngest child self want to rebel against anything like that...but the work will pay off.  

We don't have to work to earn God's love.  In fact...we can't.  But when I think about what He has done for us...how He loves us...how do you not respond to that love by demonstrating it to others?  I know I fail constantly...I am a work in progress...but with each "workout" I get stronger and better....and it leads me on toward the goal.

Ephesians 5:15-16

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. (Ephesians 5:15, 16 NIV)

Living carefully...it is so true that the days are evil.  I struggle with how to cope.  What movies/books/tv/music can I let the girls be exposed to...what can I let myself be exposed too...I try to go with a gut check...if it makes me feel icky...I stay away from it.  I struggle with being a "cool" mom...but not permissive...yet showing grace and mercy.  Yikes...the tightrope is so tricky...the balance so narrow.  I once heard Jesus described as living a life of perfect balance...Oh do I seek that balance.  How much do we enjoy the "fruits" of this world...at what point do we step over and become seduced.  Lord, let me hear your voice...and follow the narrow path you'd have me walk to bring Glory to Your name.  Amen

Psalms 90:12

Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom. (Psalms 90:12 NLT)

Life is short...so how does that help us grow in wisdom?  Okay..so I've been pondering this for a few minutes...and Bill keeps walking in and talking to me.  This is sorta frustrating because I'm trying to do my thing...and he keeps interupting...but at the same time, I feel like I should listen to him and talk with him about what he needs to talk about...so...life is short -- love the people around you.  I could snap at him because I'm trying to do my devotions...but then I miss the opportunity to show him love by listening to him and talking with him.  Am I wiser when I treasure moments with my family because I know time is fleeting?  I believe I am richer for it...maybe that also makes me wiser.  :)

Hebrews Chapter 13

So we can say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?”

 And don’t forget to do good and to share with those in need. These are the sacrifices that please God.

Now may the God of peace— who brought up from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great Shepherd of the sheep, and ratified an eternal covenant with his blood— may he equip you with all you need for doing his will. May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him. All glory to him forever and ever! Amen. (Hebrews 13:6, 16, 20, 21 NLT)

"The Lord is my helper...I will have no fear." I don't believe I can say those words sincerely.  I do fear.  In a part of mind -- I think well of course you fear...it's only natural.  There is truth in that.  It is a natural part of our human condition.  A facebook friend recently posted that she was not living in fear and was praising God.  My inside cynical voice made a snorting sound of derision and then thought...well of course you don't fear...you are young, healthy and have no children.  This past November, I spent a lot of time in fear...I was fearful cancer was back.  Is that a sin?  I don't know.  I can tell you it's what I felt. As I wrestle with it, I can tell you I believe it comes down to what you do with the fear...do you let it control you or are you able to recognize it and work through the fear.  I could be paralyzed by fear...I choose not to be.  I think it's also interesting to contemplate the full quote...mere people cannot strip away my salvation, my belief in God...I do not need to fear the loss of God's love because of the actions of others....that I can say with full confidence and belief.  But do I fear.  In this world...yes.  But there will be no fear in the next world.

I love this benediction.  It is beautiful send off to a thought provoking letter.  Indeed...all glory to him forever and ever!  Amen.