Monday, June 24, 2013

It's not's me

I'm stuck.  Honestly I feel like I'm covered in tar....that or being smothered...heck why not just go with both.  For some reason, I'm living in a season of deep anger.  I can't even name what is at the heart of what I'm feeling...but it's ugly.  I'm not sure where it's coming from....if it's my lack of forgiveness for past hurts....frustration in a world filed with injustice (this sounds more noble than it really is....) of some other disappointment.

And to be clear....I'm not mad at God.  I'm just mad at everything else....including me.  And it's paralyzing.....the funny thing is I know it's that paralysis that is keeping me stuck.  I know eventually I'll break free.  I believe that God will pry open my eyes and show me the source of this crap.....and He'll be able to help me release my clenched fists that seem to be holding on to the anger, refusing to let it go...against all common sense.  But it's what I know...and I'm scared to let go.

I know God will provide the strength...but right now I can't even look to his word...the anger brings shame....and I can't believe I'm worthy of the freedom God gives.  How whack is that.

I'm scared, hurt and angry.  I don't like it....but it's where I am.