John 1:9-12

The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.

The good news in this passage is definately the last sentence.  I wonder at times as a human how Christ felt about the rejection he experienced...And as that thought crossed my mind I realized that not only did he have to experience that rejection...he knew even before he left all the glory of heaven what was going to happen...the rejection, the crucifiction....and yet he came.  What really floors me...if I believe what we are told is true...he made that decision knowing me.  Kristi.  Not just a group of creatures that would occupy this space called earth...but me.  How is it even possible?  He knew what he was giving up...and he did it because he loved me.  When we say we worship a great God...those words are barely adequate.  And yet, those inadequate words are sweet praise to Him who was before everything....um...WOW.

John 1:1-4

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.

This is the NIV version.  Typically I like the NLT...but these are the verses the way I know them by memory...so I went with tradition.

In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.  That sentence staggers me.  It really is almost more than I can even begin to understand.  He has always been, will always be, is complete....and yet...he wanted to love even more...and that took the form of us.  If that doesn't humble you...bring you to your knees or cause you to leap with joy....then I got nothing.  He is life and light.  And he loves and knows each of us.  He is hope fulfilled.

O Come, O Come Emmanuel

http://youtu.be/bPfdD3pBUig

One of my all time favorite Christmas hymns.  There are other arrangements I like better...but I really love the images with this video.  :)  Enjoy

2 Corinthians 4:18-19

For our present troubles are small and won't last very long.  Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever. So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.  

So...I threw a temper tantrum.  A pretty good size one too.  Guess what....it didn't get me anywhere. And here's what I really hate...teachable moments that come in the middle of a snit.  Really?  Sometimes I think God's sense of humor isn't all that funny.  In retrospect it kinda is...but again...Really?  Sigh.  I think this season for me has been about teaching me that the one person whose approval I should seek is God's.  And that the one person I can count on to not let me down is God.  Human's fail.  It's just the plain truth.  Too often I spend my heart time seeking human approval and human support.  Don't get me wrong.  I think being able to trust and care for others is important...and God given.  We are to live in a loving supporting community....but anytime we put seeking an earthly thing (be it support, love, worship, desire, approval) ahead of seeking those things from our Father...it's gonna be a problem.

Is the hurt and betrayal I was feeling real? Yep.  Were they from actions of other humans...Yep.  Did I need to surrender them?  Yep...big time.  Did I succeed?  I'm not sure -- we'll see next time this button get's pushed.  And...here's the total truth...I didn't make it through without some sinning and hurting of others by myself. That admission is a little hard to take when I'm wanting to get all uppity on my self righteous moral high ground.  Ugh.  I forgot to focus on the things we cannot see...I forgot that these present troubles -- while real -- are small and won't last very long.  I forgot that my King forgave my way greater sins...because He loves me.  But He doesn't just love me...He loves each of us...where we are...even in the middle of ugly.  I believe this with all my heart and it overwhelms and humbles me.  I know He wants to protect and provide for each of us.  I sometimes hear that and think that it means that I have to always open myself up in ways that can lead me to be hurt by other humans.  I don't think that is what it means...but I'm still wrestling with it.  I'm wresting with how I can protect myself from those who don't have my best intentions at heart and still be faithful to God.  A counselor once told me it was "boundaries" that I had trouble setting.  I think that is still true. Somewhere along the line I picked up the idea that setting boundaries was against God's will.  I don't think that is true.  I think it may be a "false" teaching....but I don't know.  See, once upon a time, I had a person in my life who was extremely clever at perverting God's word to their own purposes...in a game of win-lose...and guess who was on the losing side...me.  Maybe that is one of the tests we have to use...if there is a winner and a loser...maybe its best to walk away.  Clearly this is not something I can wrap up in a neat bow...its still a path I'm still walking and weeding....and it amazes me how deep and long some weeds'roots are and how they still can reach out and twist and mislead.  Well, I guess that's why it's important to spend time with the actual author and perfector of our faith.  All this from a temper tantrum.  Yep.  Oh Lord, please walk with me and teach me your ways. 

2 Corinthians 9:11-12

Yes, you will be enriched in every way so that you can always be generous. And when we take your gifts to those who need them, they will thank God. So two good things will result from this ministry of giving—the needs of the believers in Jerusalem will be met, and they will joyfully express their thanks to God.

I don't feel generous. I don't feel joyful.  I just feel despair.  Oh and lots and lots of anger.  Note to self...think long and hard before starting a study on thanksgiving next time.  I hurt.  I feel cornered...because I don't feel like any action I can take in a situation is going to be okay.  And I'm angry because I feel that any action I take will make me look like the "bad person"  I didn't create the situation.  I didn't take the main actions...but I'm stuck.  I don't know if I can be gracious enough to handle this.  I'm mad.  Other people involved have lied or said mean things or acted in ways that I don't think are right...and yet...it now boils down to what I do. How I act.  How I respond.  And I'm mad.  I'm mad at the situation. I'm mad at the people involved.  And I'm just plain mad.  I'm mad at God -- I wish I didn't feel the way I do.  I wish he hadn't made the way he did...that this situation hurts me so bad.  Because at the bottom of mad is hurt.  I feel abandoned.  I feel like the people who should be defending me are the ones who put me in this no-win situation. I don't feel enriched.  I feel betrayed. And I just feel like I'm wrong and failing and alone.  So no.  I don't feel gracious or generous of thankful.

Philippians 4:6-7

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Do you ever feel particularly thickheaded?  I do.  I don't know why I have to plow the same ground over and over again.  I have an insight or break thru…and it seems like 5 minutes later I'm back in the same rut….totally forgetting what I've just learned and discovered.  It is frustrating to me.  I can't even imagine how God looks at it.  I am thankful that he doesn't treat us the way we deserve.  Boy howdy…I would be in a world of hurt…because when I think about my stubbornness and thickheadedness….I just want to shake me.

Still struggling with thanksgiving…and letting go.  Being willing to extend the grace that has been extended to me.  I guess I'm being a miser.  I want others to deserve my grace….even when I received it through no credit of my own.  Again with the growing pains.  This is hard work….and I just wish I could stop falling prey to the same old tricks and weak spots.

Thank you Lord for not treating me the way I would if it were left up to me.  Help me be humble and gracious in the same manner you have extended to me.

2 Corinthians 4:15

All this is for your benefit.  And as God's grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.

There are a lot of things I want to write…and honestly, earlier yesterday afternoon, this would have been a whole different post.  You see…I wasn't feeling thankful.  Not in anyway shape or form.  I was in a snit…and just so you know…I'm being very kind to myself by just calling it a snit.  And I wrestled with what I would write.  Should I be honest???  But if I was totally honest…in all my ugliness…would that help anyone?  I'm not sure the details really would…in fact, because this is public and as I tell my girls…in writing is forever….it could at some point actually hurt someone.  And as much as I tell myself in the middle of my snit "that I don't care if it hurts someone else…they are hurting me"  I don't really believe that….although appealing to me to be the bigger person makes me want to jump and down and say, "NO! I want to be the small, petty, mean person who gets her way and then sleeps well at night!" (because I imagine the mean people must sleep well at night…it doesn't ever seem like the "good" people do)  Did I mention I was having a snit.  Um…yeah.  It was a heck of a snit.  It even veered into a pity party for po' lil ole me.  My perfect picture wasn't happening the way I thought would be perfect.  Instead it was being messy and all too human.  Ms. Martha Stewart wouldn't approve.

And after wrestling and wrangling and stewing and a little venting…I may finally be seeing the light at the end of my snit tunnel.  I was looking at the wrong picture.  I need to focus my eyes on God's picture…not Ms. Martha's.  "For our present troubles are small and won't last very long." and "For the things we see now will soon be gone…"  Maybe I can be a little thankful that the source of my snittiness (and yes that should be a word) will soon be gone.  And that maybe, I am growing just a little more into the person He designed me to be.  But holy cow…it is not easy.  THANK you God…that you are here for me…even in the midst of a snit…to show me once again for how much I have to be thankful.  Lord you are so kind and gentle to me, your child. thank you.