So...I threw a temper tantrum. A pretty good size one too. Guess what....it didn't get me anywhere. And here's what I really hate...teachable moments that come in the middle of a snit. Really? Sometimes I think God's sense of humor isn't all that funny. In retrospect it kinda is...but again...Really? Sigh. I think this season for me has been about teaching me that the one person whose approval I should seek is God's. And that the one person I can count on to not let me down is God. Human's fail. It's just the plain truth. Too often I spend my heart time seeking human approval and human support. Don't get me wrong. I think being able to trust and care for others is important...and God given. We are to live in a loving supporting community....but anytime we put seeking an earthly thing (be it support, love, worship, desire, approval) ahead of seeking those things from our Father...it's gonna be a problem.
Is the hurt and betrayal I was feeling real? Yep. Were they from actions of other humans...Yep. Did I need to surrender them? Yep...big time. Did I succeed? I'm not sure -- we'll see next time this button get's pushed. And...here's the total truth...I didn't make it through without some sinning and hurting of others by myself. That admission is a little hard to take when I'm wanting to get all uppity on my self righteous moral high ground. Ugh. I forgot to focus on the things we cannot see...I forgot that these present troubles -- while real -- are small and won't last very long. I forgot that my King forgave my way greater sins...because He loves me. But He doesn't just love me...He loves each of us...where we are...even in the middle of ugly. I believe this with all my heart and it overwhelms and humbles me. I know He wants to protect and provide for each of us. I sometimes hear that and think that it means that I have to always open myself up in ways that can lead me to be hurt by other humans. I don't think that is what it means...but I'm still wrestling with it. I'm wresting with how I can protect myself from those who don't have my best intentions at heart and still be faithful to God. A counselor once told me it was "boundaries" that I had trouble setting. I think that is still true. Somewhere along the line I picked up the idea that setting boundaries was against God's will. I don't think that is true. I think it may be a "false" teaching....but I don't know. See, once upon a time, I had a person in my life who was extremely clever at perverting God's word to their own purposes...in a game of win-lose...and guess who was on the losing side...me. Maybe that is one of the tests we have to use...if there is a winner and a loser...maybe its best to walk away. Clearly this is not something I can wrap up in a neat bow...its still a path I'm still walking and weeding....and it amazes me how deep and long some weeds'roots are and how they still can reach out and twist and mislead. Well, I guess that's why it's important to spend time with the actual author and perfector of our faith. All this from a temper tantrum. Yep. Oh Lord, please walk with me and teach me your ways.
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